How To Be a Great Dad Instead Of A Great Jerk

It’s possible to become a great dad, even if you start as a jerk.

(I should know, I used to be a great jerk)

Nothing else on earth reveals who you are more than having a child.

If you are selfish and/or immature, you will reveal yourself by being petty, pouty, and prone to temper tantrums…especially when you are overlooked for the baby or asked to help carry the load.

If you are arrogant and proud, nothing will bring you down a few notches faster than caring for your baby by yourself.

If you are not loving or accustomed to showing love, time with your baby will become uncomfortable.

The list goes on and on…but to me, the main thing becoming a father reveals is our level of maturity. Not the facade of maturity we show, but the maturity level we are at and the capacity of maturity that we can grow to.

Let me explain.

When my daughter was born, I loved her dearly and would do anything for her…except for anything that took time away from what I wanted to do.

I had a second daughter and felt the same about her, but responded much the same way.

When we had my son, the ripple effect of my actions were much worse because he was born with several birth defects (this is another story in the making)

Then one day, after a heated argument with my wife, I realized I wasn’t a good dad…truthfully, I don’t think I was even a good person at that point.

I didn’t want my kids to be raised by another man, and I didn’t want my daughters to be targeted by men in their future because of the hurts and wounds I had left them with.

So what to do?

You can’t just say, “I want to get better,” and then try real hard. That is the recipe for failure.

You have to find out the “How To’s,” How did a successful dad do it, and what are the actions you can take to replicate his success? Once you have these systems down, you will add your own touches so they will become a genuine part of you, not just you following a formula.

Who are the good dads, and what are the “How To’s.”

The good dads aren’t necessarily the ones with all the social media posts about their kids and them being with their kids.

A good dad has evidence in the life of their children.

You can see this example by how their kids behave, how they respect others, how they love, and how they respond to love.

A good dad will have an impact bigger than just their own children; they’ll be coaches, youth pastors, counselors, volunteers, teachers, or just the guy that kids go to for advice.

Once you find a few good dads that you can get advice from, ask them for some wisdom and help and set time for future conversations because you will always be faced with new things.

New challenges grow as fast as your kids do.

“How To’s”

#1 Teach them about family.

If you are married, stay married, do everything you can to make it work because your kids need to know that you love and support their mom.

If you’re not married, do your best to keep your relationship with your kids about you and your kids, and don’t bring their mom into it.

Even if she’s not a very good person, kids (especially boys) are very defensive about their mothers. You don’t want your kids to think about defending their mom while you’re spending time with them.

#2 You have to be consistent.

You will have some rules and boundaries that will change as your kids grow, but there should be some absolutes in your household. Your kids should be confident in knowing how you are going to respond to situations based on your consistency.

#3 Keeping your word.

Your promises to your kids mean a lot to them. You can’t say things flippantly or promise something to get them out of your hair, then not follow through. Say what you mean to your kids, be honest, and do everything in your power to keep your word.

For the good things and not so good things…

Recently I turned 50.

For my party, my daughters compiled a video of many young adults commenting about the impact I had on their life when they were younger.

One young lady recalled a time I took my daughters and a few of their friends to the movies.

On the trip, my oldest daughter was acting out. I asked her several times to stop what she was doing, but she wouldn’t stop, so I told her, “when we get home you are going to be punished.”

That got her attention because she knew I meant it. So she stopped doing the action because she didn’t want to get punished, and for the rest of the outing we had a great time.

When we all got home, I told my daughter, “go to your room; we need to talk about you not listening to me earlier today.” She said, “I didn’t do anything else wrong after you told me I was going to be punished; why am I still in trouble?”

I told her, “I really appreciate it, but it took me threatening to punish you for you to stop. I gave you my word, you were to be punished when we got home, and I have to follow through.”

After recounting this story, the young lady said that event made a deep impact on her life; it was important for her to see that I had kept my word even when it meant doing something I didn’t want to do.

#4 You have to protect your kids

You have to protect them from doing stupid stuff and from going to places they should not be at.

I have told my children many times, “my job as your dad is to protect you, even if that means protecting you from yourself.”

#5 You have to show your kids love.

You have to love on them and be available for them to love on you. There should be no place where your kids feel uncomfortable coming up and giving you a hug.

I have nephews and nieces ranging in age from 25 girl, 23 boy, 14 boy, 12 girl, 11 boy, and 3 kids of my own… they all know, when they see me, wherever it is, they are going to get a hug. I’m also going to take 30–45 seconds looking them each in the eye and telling them how much I love them, how proud they make me, and how incredible they are.

No matter where we are, they are the most important thing in that particular moment!

#6 Your family is the most important thing or it’s not.

There’s no middle ground.

You can’t tell your kids when they’re 20 that the reason you have no relationship with them is that you worked really hard to provide for them…you can’t tell your 16-year-old daughter, who is running off with the wrong guys, that you couldn’t be around for her because you were working to make money for her.

I understand we all have to work jobs that pull on us in different directions, but you only get one go around in this life to do it right with your kids.

It’s up to you to find a compromise that causes your kids to feel loved and protected and in a relationship with you.

#7 Be their dad, not their buddy.

Be available, love on them, always be there, but be their dad. As your kids get older, there’s gonna be a temptation to be their buddy.

Your kids are going to have plenty of friends but they only have one dad, and that’s who they need you to be.

#8 Realize each one of your kids is an individual.

They have their own personalities and their own personal needs. In their own individual way, they need you to show them attention and love.

You must spend time with all your children together and each one individually.

Help them find their strengths and help them build up their weaknesses.

Being a dad helps your kids face the realities of life and being comfortable in their own skin.

My son has been in a wheelchair all his life (except when he was younger and we carried him).

When he was about 10, he was having a hard time not being able to play little league ball and ride bikes and things like all of his other friends did.

This was a hard time to sit down with my son and talk to him about his disability.

I let him vent and cry and tell me how unfair it was, I agreed with him…then I asked him “Since this is the way things are what are we gonna do about it?”

He looked at me and said, “I don’t wanna do anything about it…I don’t know what to do about it.” I said, “well we’re gonna figure out some things to do that are yours.”

Since that time, my son has hunted game animals, he has fished, he has played different kinds of sports, and he has become a 3-time world champion powerlifter on the (non-disabled) United States Benchpress Team, breaking multiple records on the way.

#9 Take the time to acknowledge your kids and their achievements.

It’s so important to your kids that their dad knows what they have done and how proud he is of them.

When kids find acknowledgment from their dad, they are less likely to go in search of it from the wrong people or products.

#10 Talk to your kids

Communication with your children is essential. Talk to them about what they like, their favorite movies, games, classes…talk about whatever they are into, then listen. You have to keep lines of communication open.

You need to have a level of communication about the small stuff, so you can talk about the big stuff later on in life.

………….

You are never going to be a perfect dad because each kid has their own personality and everybody grows differently, but if you pay attention to each one of your kids individually, love on them, be consistent, be honest, acknowledge what they love and their achievements, love their mother and spend time with them…..you will be a great dad!